A Successful Relationship!

Most often couples, come in and are surprised that their relationship is 50/50 and isn't working. I often asked them, how would it be like to take half of yourself to work everyday? Not functional right! Why would you think, a  relationships can be fulfilling if you both are dedicating half of your potential. In order, for your relationship to work everyone has to contribute 100%. This means that both parties, will take ownership of all their shortcomings. They will begin to explore themselves, their upbringing, and what they want in their future. Than, they can begin to understand and emphasize with their partner and give it all, and receive a fulfilling relationship.  

Mommy Burn out

Being a mother is to be a giver. There are many duties, tasks and responsibilities involved in raising a child. The job of being a mother is lovely, wonderful, challenging and exhausting all at the same time. It is a marathon of caring for and raising a little human being into adulthood. Our society expects mothers, to do it all. In the midst of being super woman, you will begin to feel exhausted and rundown . A few indications that you need to slow down and take better care of yourself. 

1. Never a priority 

2. No self care- lack of time to feel clean and taken care. 

 3. Extreme fatigue ( even with enough sleep). Feeling run down and lethargic. 

Experiencing Anxiety/ Anxious symptoms  - Heart palpation

-Lack of control, choking feeling, 

-Sweating

-Nausea

-Lack of Motivation 

-Decline in job performance 

-Lack of enjoyment 

Frustration with yourself and generally your children. Feeling like, everyone is taking advantage of you.  

If your experiencing any of these symptoms please, get help to become more mindful of your own well-being. 

Mindful Parenting

#Mindful Parenting

Whatever you parenting style is, you can incorporate mindfulness and benefit from how it improves your relationship with your self than your child/ren. We all know that life happens, in our hectic day to day life we often do things that we give little or no attention to. Consequently, mindful parenting is seeing and remembering to bring this kind of understanding and insight to our precious moments with our children. it is a true routine that carries with it profound benefits for both children and parents.  Being open to learn, from these beautiful little people means paying attention and learning to take a step back and still within ourselves.In silence, we are better able to see past the core, of our predisposed beliefs in which we can bring directly to our parenting.That's why I connect with mindful parenting, because mindful parenting teaches us that everything you say & do shouldn't come unconsciously ,it should not be automatic. Interacting with children  should be a mindful! It should happen, because we want to pass all the loving kindness to our children, so they too can feel that for themselves and pass it on. 

Usually when we feel disconnected, it helps to go back to the basics. First and foremost if we are not connected to ourselves than we certainly can not be expected  to be connected to our children. Practicing "mindful parenting has to do more with the parents, than with the kids. "

1. Self Care- The most difficult task, you ask a parent to do is taking care of themselves. Are you taking care of your needs? Are you eating right and sleeping enough? Are you being productive for your self? If your answer is no! Than I invite you to take initiative and be more active in doing at least one thing for yourself everyday! ( it could be anything). 

2. Create a Happy, Healthy Home! 

The truth is, children are messy and it's unfortunate that you can't have the best of both worlds and have your home look like HGTV magazine. 

You will clean, and organize and it will get dirty and disorganized again, and that's okay. A home that is filled with love of active children will get dirty. 

3. Learn to say "No" 

Set boundaries for your self and practice

 being assertive. You can't be a mindful parent and do it all. Most parents approach me and ask if they are a "bad" parent for not having play dates every day. Play dates are wonderful if you can arrange them in a non- stressful way. If they cause your child to fall behind on school work, or cause a disturbance in your daily routine, than allow yourself to do to say "no". Attending  all social obligations, every PTA meeting, and having a career is a difficult task. Take only what you can do, with out burning yourself out. 

4. Gratitude- Acknowledging the small things that we usually take for granted. Remembering all the good in your life, can lessen the impact of all the bad. Concentrate, on your desires and dreams and make them your reality. 

5. Be Present- start paying attention to your thinking. Observe that your self-talk is constant. Start to bring awareness to your thoughts and the tension in your body. Remember, feelings come along with thoughts so acknowledging, the feeling will allow you to create more space around the source of the feeling and brings you back to yourself  and to what is really important. Everyone benefits when our children's needs are being met. By bringing this kind of sensitivity to our children and ourselves  the quality of our presence, our commitment to them is felt, even in difficult times. We will realize, in moments of conflict and competing needs our being will  come more out of this heart felt- connection, and as a result will have greater kindness and wisdom in them. 

How Postpartum Depression Feels?

I love my baby, but what why am I so sad? I am happy to be a mom, but do I feel so anxious and hopeless. Why do I constantly worry about the well-being of my child? Yes, transition from womanhood to motherhood can be difficult.You've welcomed your beautiful new baby to the world and have now brought him home. Having a new baby can be an exciting and joyous event. But it can also leave many new parents, moms especially, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Some moms might feel that compared to the first few weeks of life with a newborn, childbirth was the easy part. Between the endless feedings, sleepless nights and other responsibilities, many women feel really, really tired and overwhelmed after birth. You may find it hard to balance taking care of a new baby, yourself, your family and your home. Take comfort in knowing that baby blues, are normal process of your hormones.These feelings of agitation, sadness and frustration are normal. You can take steps to help you find more energy and overcome new mom fatigue.  Although if your symptoms continue for more than a few weeks after birth than you might be experiencing,  Postpartum depression. PPD  is a treatable medical illness that affects about 13% of women after giving birth. . Postpartum depression can be hard to spot, because the moodiness and other symptoms are similar to the "baby blues", short state that affects up to 70% of new mothers. Some new mothers, may also have symptoms of anxiety as a symptom of postpartum depression.. You may feel nervous, frightened, restless, or stressed. Some women have intense worry about their baby's health or safety. If you constantly feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for your newborn, or if nerves interfere with your ability to handle everyday tasks, it could be a sign of postpartum depression. I remember that a client, recalled this time of her as bitter- sweet. She mentioned that the intense feelings of love and sadness at the same time, was a vicious cycle of confusion and worry. Most woman, feel as if they are broken that they can't function, and take care of their newborn. The first step, is knowing that you need help, getting to a place that is comfortable for you. You are not broken , and there are ways you can get relief. Most whom, seek help recover completely from all their symptoms with in 5-7 weeks. Seek professional help, find balance and believe that you can get through this transition period always remembering that you did your best.

Child Molestation and abuse- Commentary on http://www.jewishcommunitywatch.org/the-child-rape-assembly-line/

http://www.jewishcommunitywatch.org/the-child-rape-assembly-line/
In the past few months, there has been a great amount of deliberation about sexual abuse towards children and our community. This article brings me so much sadness, but than there is relief, that someone as courageous as this man, has given his being and identity to bring some awareness to these acts of abuse. As stated in the article, about 70% acts of abuse, happens from a person the child knows and trusts. Unfortunately these, sick individuals pry on the innocence of children and once they feel they can be trusted they take action. As parents, we are and have to be the biggest advocates for our youth, and that starts with clear communication. I say clear, because some parents believe that culturally is not proper to teach children the correct names of their private parts and or speak to young children about sexual and individual privacy. If you teach your child that they have a head, two hands, and two feet, why wouldn't you tell them the correct name for their genitals? Speaking with your children, about their privacy and body parts needs to be normalized and spoke about often. Allow them to feel comfortable to speak with you, if they have felt uncomfortable by anyone. The painful scars of, Sexual abuse and molestation are not only physically but mentally and scars remain and affects individuals socially. “The feeling of betrayal heals, but is never erased.” Many, individuals whom are not permitted, to share the pain of their abuse and loss of their innocence often, grow to have many problems from sexual dysfunction and sexual identity disorder, to depression and anxiety. They become afraid to trust those around them, and than imagine how life would look like for your child if they could never trust anyone?

Teenagers & Parents

It has recently, been brought to my attention, that teenagers are encouraging one another to attempt suicide in order to get more attention from their parents. Please speak with your teenagers, about what is happening in schools and or when they are socializing with their friends. Listen to them without judging and concentrate on your children without being disturbed . I am so outraged, at so many

 parents who complain about their teenager, but don't have the slightest clue, about who they" hang out" with, or their constant well-being. I hear,I don't want to be noisy. I want to be my child friend.Please, Make the effort to talk to your children about their interests and things that directly affect them in and outside of school. Inquire about school & bullying and show interest in how h/she is doing at school, talk about his friends and show a general interest. Issues that are important to teenagers maybe not important for an adult, and by showing an interest you are opening the lines of communication. PLEASE do not exclaim that your child attends private school and everything is perfect, it happens everywhere. Effective communication will help increase their confidence and improve relationships. Be open, honest and direct when talking to your child, about the current situation and let them know that you & your spouse or loved ones, are concerned for their well being. Your interest may spark conversation, about issues you’re concerned about and keep it open for conversation. If you feel, that something more serious such as (drugs, issues with sexuality, a suicide attempt) is underway, I strongly urge you to seek professional help. In addition, respecting their privacy is important. If you have concerns about behaviors, avoid reading emails or secretly monitoring them to find out what is wrong. Not only will this ruin trust in you, it will replace important communication between you both. Moreover, I wanted to reiterate, with you my philosophy about parents, wanting to be their child’s friend. Parents can fill many roles in their children's lives: coach, teacher, confidant, nurse, protector, and giver. Parents can fill one another’s shoes when the other isn’t available. The one role that a parent can never be, however, is a friend. To teenagers, a friend is an equal. In my opinion, there is no equality in a successful Parent-Child relationship. At least not until the child has become an adult. As a parent you have an, extremely important and powerful responsibility, however 'not so cool' it may be, of providing a safe place for children to grow. Children rely on the adults in their lives to teach them the boundaries in life, what is expected of them. Teenagers are not adults and need a parent for guidance, not a friend. I have the philosophy that parents always do the very best, they do the best they know for their children, but recently, the pressure of life has become so exhausting, to always be running after something more. A better house, a better car, more money, more of a social life, while forgetting
that what's more important to children is consistency and a loving and understanding family. Taking time, to understand your child/teenager and applying boundaries can ultimately save their lives. Please pass on!!!

My ADHC Friends

When I think about my decision, to study Clinical psychology, I immediately go to the intense feeling I recently experience, when I feel that a participant at (Adult Healthcare center) feels heard and accepted.  In the mornings, I make a point, to make sure that I connect to most of my seniors before I reach the stairs at the end the hall. Most of the participants are Persian, and migrated from Iran when they were well in to their 50's or 60's if not older. Trying to survive, a regime change wasn't easy, but most did that with no vain.  Most have endured so much pain and suffering, as people who underwent poverty, witnessed war, and fled their home land, leaving behind their identities and status. They have done, all of this only for the well-being of their children. Time after time it breaks my heart to hear stories of these kind and loving individuals that are overlooked by their children. Many feel, as if they are a burden to their children and literally pray that death comes for them as soon as possible. As far as I can remember, in those days, the elderly had something that is missing for some today; they had the care and love of their family. Families took the time, in their busy schedules to look after one another, family members lived close to each other and gave support when it was needed .Neighbors, helped if necessary, and as to my memory, older people were not generally seen as a burden but were recognized and respected as the leader of their family. Sadly, in some families, this is no longer the case. Today, far too many of our elderly are sent to residential care, or are hired caregivers, where they live out their final days all but forgotten by their family. By this I don’t mean, that residential care or a caretaker is a bad idea, for many this works as a means to keep their elderly parents safe and cared for. , but  being forgotten and ignored because you no longer have the time,  is rather painful for many to seniors to handle .Most, grieve that they have given all assets to their children or lost it all while migrating, as though the amount of money, defines them as individuals and their place in society.

During the last eight months, I am convinced that success in caring for our elderly can be achieved only by encouraging all of us to support them, where they are the happiest. Many believe that once someone gets older they lose the right to choose what’s best for them. Listen to the elderly in your life and allow them to pass on their wisdom to you. In the last, months I have realized how important it is for the elderly to interact socially and feel that they are important. Many find themselves increasingly isolated as partners die, and children and grandchildren live farther and farther away. One might assume they are not alone, because they are surrounded by fellow participants and mingle with them. In truth many of these individuals long for the friends they have left behind and feel abandoned by their families. We need to try to re-establish the communities we once took for granted, where families, together cared for the loved ones.

That is why we must look back , not with rose-tinted spectacles, but with hope and realism , and learn from the days when the elderly were given the respect and love they deserved, and were never considered a burden.