Teenagers & Parents

It has recently, been brought to my attention, that teenagers are encouraging one another to attempt suicide in order to get more attention from their parents. Please speak with your teenagers, about what is happening in schools and or when they are socializing with their friends. Listen to them without judging and concentrate on your children without being disturbed . I am so outraged, at so many

 parents who complain about their teenager, but don't have the slightest clue, about who they" hang out" with, or their constant well-being. I hear,I don't want to be noisy. I want to be my child friend.Please, Make the effort to talk to your children about their interests and things that directly affect them in and outside of school. Inquire about school & bullying and show interest in how h/she is doing at school, talk about his friends and show a general interest. Issues that are important to teenagers maybe not important for an adult, and by showing an interest you are opening the lines of communication. PLEASE do not exclaim that your child attends private school and everything is perfect, it happens everywhere. Effective communication will help increase their confidence and improve relationships. Be open, honest and direct when talking to your child, about the current situation and let them know that you & your spouse or loved ones, are concerned for their well being. Your interest may spark conversation, about issues you’re concerned about and keep it open for conversation. If you feel, that something more serious such as (drugs, issues with sexuality, a suicide attempt) is underway, I strongly urge you to seek professional help. In addition, respecting their privacy is important. If you have concerns about behaviors, avoid reading emails or secretly monitoring them to find out what is wrong. Not only will this ruin trust in you, it will replace important communication between you both. Moreover, I wanted to reiterate, with you my philosophy about parents, wanting to be their child’s friend. Parents can fill many roles in their children's lives: coach, teacher, confidant, nurse, protector, and giver. Parents can fill one another’s shoes when the other isn’t available. The one role that a parent can never be, however, is a friend. To teenagers, a friend is an equal. In my opinion, there is no equality in a successful Parent-Child relationship. At least not until the child has become an adult. As a parent you have an, extremely important and powerful responsibility, however 'not so cool' it may be, of providing a safe place for children to grow. Children rely on the adults in their lives to teach them the boundaries in life, what is expected of them. Teenagers are not adults and need a parent for guidance, not a friend. I have the philosophy that parents always do the very best, they do the best they know for their children, but recently, the pressure of life has become so exhausting, to always be running after something more. A better house, a better car, more money, more of a social life, while forgetting
that what's more important to children is consistency and a loving and understanding family. Taking time, to understand your child/teenager and applying boundaries can ultimately save their lives. Please pass on!!!

My ADHC Friends

When I think about my decision, to study Clinical psychology, I immediately go to the intense feeling I recently experience, when I feel that a participant at (Adult Healthcare center) feels heard and accepted.  In the mornings, I make a point, to make sure that I connect to most of my seniors before I reach the stairs at the end the hall. Most of the participants are Persian, and migrated from Iran when they were well in to their 50's or 60's if not older. Trying to survive, a regime change wasn't easy, but most did that with no vain.  Most have endured so much pain and suffering, as people who underwent poverty, witnessed war, and fled their home land, leaving behind their identities and status. They have done, all of this only for the well-being of their children. Time after time it breaks my heart to hear stories of these kind and loving individuals that are overlooked by their children. Many feel, as if they are a burden to their children and literally pray that death comes for them as soon as possible. As far as I can remember, in those days, the elderly had something that is missing for some today; they had the care and love of their family. Families took the time, in their busy schedules to look after one another, family members lived close to each other and gave support when it was needed .Neighbors, helped if necessary, and as to my memory, older people were not generally seen as a burden but were recognized and respected as the leader of their family. Sadly, in some families, this is no longer the case. Today, far too many of our elderly are sent to residential care, or are hired caregivers, where they live out their final days all but forgotten by their family. By this I don’t mean, that residential care or a caretaker is a bad idea, for many this works as a means to keep their elderly parents safe and cared for. , but  being forgotten and ignored because you no longer have the time,  is rather painful for many to seniors to handle .Most, grieve that they have given all assets to their children or lost it all while migrating, as though the amount of money, defines them as individuals and their place in society.

During the last eight months, I am convinced that success in caring for our elderly can be achieved only by encouraging all of us to support them, where they are the happiest. Many believe that once someone gets older they lose the right to choose what’s best for them. Listen to the elderly in your life and allow them to pass on their wisdom to you. In the last, months I have realized how important it is for the elderly to interact socially and feel that they are important. Many find themselves increasingly isolated as partners die, and children and grandchildren live farther and farther away. One might assume they are not alone, because they are surrounded by fellow participants and mingle with them. In truth many of these individuals long for the friends they have left behind and feel abandoned by their families. We need to try to re-establish the communities we once took for granted, where families, together cared for the loved ones.

That is why we must look back , not with rose-tinted spectacles, but with hope and realism , and learn from the days when the elderly were given the respect and love they deserved, and were never considered a burden.

Life full of Uncertainties

When I see the depth of tragedy, in Aurora, Colorado or sit in a funeral for a young man with so much to offer his community and his family, my heart aches. We are living in a world of unknown and watching others grieve for their loved one , makes me, realize how so precious life is. One minute your loved one, is thriving and looking forward to a simple entertainment to be taken down because of a senseless act. When tragedies such, as this strike, and we witness the pain another human being is enduring, from loosing someone close, life seems so uncertain. All the things that you took, for granted are know so important. A Birthday card, a picture brings up so much sadness, that sometimes feels unbearable. The question is how do we live a happy and joyous lives, if we feel that all that we have can be taken away in moments time. The truth is that we obviously can't control what happens around us, but we are in control of how we perceive our day to day lives with people we are in contact with. it brings so much sadness, when I meet families at my private Practice whom haven't talked to their parents or siblings for years, for reasons they don't recall. As humans, we tend to forget what is so self explanatory, Live your life to the fullest, love so you can't love no more and don't live your life in regret. Take a stand on enjoying your life and communicate your feelings, with people whom are important in your life. Take a risk and fix a broken relationship or allow conversation in what isn't working for you. Remember that
“Our biggest regrets are not for the things we have done but for the things we haven't done” ― Chad Michael Murray

Depression

Who does depression affect? Everyone
Where does depression affect you? Every Where
How does depression affect you? Every way
How many times, have we heard of all the implications of an individual being depressed and wondered what it’s like for them and their loved ones.  I am sure you’ve heard of this commercial over and over again, but it’s rather significant to know that depression doesn’t always only affect the person, whom is suffering from the disease. Depression is not just a medical matter. It's a family one, too. The behaviors and mood of a depressed person affect the whole family. There's the irritability, which sets off conflicts and disrupts family dynamics. The negative thought patterns, becomes a never ending cycle of nonconstructive for everyone and can damage years of meaningful relationships. This in turn creates withdrawal within relationships and generates complete feelings of rejection. There are major responsibilities that get misplaced by the depression of a loved one. There is a general burden of stress, and self care. Frustration for families dealing with a depressed member comes from many sources. One source is the feeling of helplessness a family member can feel when she cannot help their loved one recover from feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and constant anxiety about tomorrow. The caretaker, unconsciously begins to do extra, to compensate for the person suffering from depression and soon finds  his/ her life revolving around a depressed person, can become frustrating. If the situation is prolonged without change, or worsens, it leads to building resentment. Some family members, particularly children, may feel guilty as their loved one escalate down deeper into depression. A person is liable to begin blaming himself for his loved one's sadness and dissatisfaction. A child especially might wonder what he has done wrong to cause the depression. When attempts to cheer the depressed person up or help her out don't seem to improve the situation, the family member can feel even worse for letting his depressed loved one down and not helping.
 Interestingly, families can be major forces of care, comfort, even cure. They are crucial to proper discovery and treatment of the disorder, not just at the beginning but throughout. They are the primary factor that the depressed individual gets convinced that hopelessness is temporary and will come to an end. They contribute powerfully to the emotional atmosphere the depressed person occupies, and so can be a means to a matter. Bottom of FormMoreover, The National Institute of Mental Health has done extensive research and has proved that depression has a huge impact on families. And families have a huge impact on depression. Nassir Ghaemi, assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard, contends it's not even desirable to make the correct diagnosis of depression without the family. For one thing, many people, particularly those at either end of the age spectrum and those with medical conditions, don't realize they are depressed or may attribute symptoms to other things. The perspective of family members is useful, but it's downright essential for prescribing. "To treat any depression accurately, you have to know whether it is unipolar or bipolar—in other words, whether the person has been manic in the past," says Ghaemi. "Our research shows that 50 percent of patients are not even aware they are manic when experiencing mania. Family members recognize manic symptoms twice as often."
Professionally, at my practice I find, family support to play major role in the lives of those suffering from depression. A close support system makes all the difference in overcoming the symptoms and finding hope and the physiological need to be happy. It’s rather imperative, that family members be supportive of the psychological and medical treatment and recognize, the value of the work. There comes a time when the only thing a family can do is simply accepts the changes that have taken place in a depressed person, for better or for worse. The rupture in the family defeated by depression may be permanent however, if the family accepts and supports their loved one, the chance of the recovering, from depression will improve dramatically. "The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being."Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

10 Ways to have a Happy Home!! by: Sherry S. Nafeh, M.A.

A home is our sanctuary; it is our refuge from the mysterious outside world that we all leave in. Home is where we go to feel safe and be ourselves. It is where; we should feel the most safety for ourselves & our loved ones. It’s been said that “home” is where the heart is ", and the heart thrives in a “Happy Home”.  One might ask. So what do you mean by a happy home? A happy home is where couples come together and make a choice. Having made that choice, they accept the responsibility for the way things are "good or "not so good." and suddenly have the means to make a change. Here is 10 important aspects to transform & maintain a happy family home “Sherry Style. Enjoy!!

1. " Relationship takes Precedence”

Researchers who study family behavior agree that a strong bond between parents is the heart of a happy family. As sex therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., puts it in her couples' guide, The Book of Love,"No matter how sacrilegious it sounds...you need to put your relationship before your children. A strong relationship provides security for your children and demonstrates how a loving, respectful partnership should be. What could be more important?"Acknowledge one another, knowing that nothing or no one could be more important.  

2. Continue to Date

Continuing to date each other will help keep the spark in your marriage. It takes a little planning and prioritizing but the results are worth it. You don't have to spend much money to have a fun date, but can easily find something enjoyable to do together. The point of this time is to rekindle, the love and remembering why? and how you fell in love.

3. "Same Page" Motto

I believe that in order for families to feel connected, their needs to be clearance. Please, I am not delirious and know there are times that one person may disagree with another person. What does that look like in your home? Is it okay that everyone agrees to disagree, or is a disagreement not tolerable. Virginia Satir whom is known to be "The Mother of Family System Therapy, said "Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family."

4. Touching Base

 In this busy world, that a 24 hrs day, is still too short to get things done (No app for that yet), touching base it's important. I don't mean the ordinary "how was your day" question, but rather to take few moments and listen if my partner or child had a good day or not. Ask how you can be there for them. In other words, Research shows that having a person listen to you, even if you don't say one word can be very therapeutic. A good way to do this is to go around the dinner table and talk about your highs and lows of the day(my personal favorite).

5. Family Meals

Family mealtime is much more than something good to eat! It nourishes the body, mind, and soul. Most of us, correlate best family memories with special meals and times together around the table. Frequent family meals are associated with a lower risk of smoking, drinking and using drugs; with a lower incidence of depressive symptoms and suicidal thoughts; and with better grades in 11 to 18 year olds. (Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, 2004).

6. Scheduled Fun Times

Our days have become so busy, that yes, the normal daily or weekly routines that should come naturally need to be scheduled. Moreover, one doesn't need to go beyond his or her way to have fun. Having fun could be as simple as, movie night with your family, or sharing a glass of wine with your partner after a long day. Philip Cowan, (Professor of Psychology Emeritus and Professor of the Graduate School at the University of California, Berkeley) says that "The trick is to make the most out of being together and create bubbles of intimacy throughout the day."

7. Being Present

I can’t claim to be perfect at being present. I can’t claim that I do it all the time. Being present takes a certain consciousness that we don't naturally acquire, and one needs to become conscious of it before shifting.  How often are you driving while talking on a cell phone, or thinking about work problems, or the errands you have to do? How often do you eat without thinking about the food you’re eating? How often, are you writing a mental check list while your child is trying to explain something? How often do you stop at what you’re doing, and start to worry about tomorrow or next week? Geneen Roth the Author of "Woman, Food, and God" described it in such a magnificent way." You begin the process of bringing yourself back to your body, to your belly, to your breath because they -- not the mind medleys -- are here now. And it is only here, only now that you can make a decision to eat(be) or not eat(be). One needs to occupy their own body or to vacate your arms and your legs while still breathing and go through your days as a walking head. If you’re not at least partly present all the above, will be difficult to do.

8. Affection

Affection is the expression of care. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval -- vital ingredients in any relationship. When one spouse is affectionate toward the other, the following messages are sent:

1. You are important to me. I will care for you and protect you.
2.  I'm concerned about the problems you face and will be there for you when you need me.

An effortless hug can say those things. And there are many other ways to show our affection: A greeting card or an "I love you" note; a bouquet of flowers; holding hands; quick phone call, text massages, can effectively communicate affection.

 Affection is, for many, the necessary glue of a relationship. Without it, many feel totally alienated. With it, they become emotionally bonded. If you feel terrific when your spouse is affectionate, and you feel terrible when there is not enough of it, you have the emotional need for affection.

9. Laugh

A sense of humor can help a tremendously and by this I mean the ability to laugh at yourself   & your families mistakes, and move on.

10. Love yourself

“No matter what age you are, or what your circumstances might be, you are special, and you still have something unique to offer. Your life, because of who you are, has meaning.”Barbara Angelis   

Throughout the years, we have heard that in order to love fully, one must love themselves first and that quantity of love will leak in to those whom surround you. It is very important to remember that, no one is perfect and that if you look deep within yourself, you will see that you have many good qualities that you choose to overlook. Look innate, and remind yourselves, what good qualities you admire about yourselves. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Parents should also model the kind of behavior they want their children to emulate. For example, if parents wants the child to have a high self confidence and self esteem, then parents should, model how a child can take care of themselves, physically and mentally and encourage them by showing them that “Love always emerges from within one’s Soul. “me”

Giving Thanks!!!!!

GIVING THANKS

"As the leaves on the trees begin to turn beautiful colors of orange, red, and yellow, I sit here and reflect, and realize how thankful I am for the gift of family & great friendships and for memories of times past."  It is once again, end of November and the beginning of Holidays. Although, holidays, should signify, a time of sharing, and creating new memories with our loved ones, it can be a daunting experience for some. During, this time that our economy is not at, it’s best, some families, struggle to find a reason to be thankful for. Many, who have been unemployed, or work hard to survive,  have a hard time being thankful for anything. Here are a few reasons to be Thankful, even in hard times.

#1)    while it seems pretty obvious that gratitude is a positive emotion, psychologists for decades rarely delved into the science of giving thanks, but in the last several years they have, learning in many experiments that it is one of humanity's most powerful emotions. It makes you happier and can change your attitude about life, like an emotional reset button. Especially in hard times, like these (Huffpost healthy Living, Nov, 2011).

#2) A gratitude journal can help organize, your thoughts and feelings, about what’s important. We live, everyday not realizing, what we have to be grateful for. By acknowledging what you are grateful for in your journal, you'll form a conscious pull, of positive energy. "Did you know that appreciation, gratitude and love are the highest forms of vibration?"(Oprah Magzine, 2011).  "You can only have one vibration at a time, and if you are noticing what you appreciate and noticing what you are grateful for, you can't be noticing what you don't like."As more of your thoughts and words become positive, you'll start attracting more positive people and circumstances. “As one grows older & wiser it has the “chance to put your relationships through a strainer, and decide today that you are going to reduce negativity in your life by getting rid of the 'don'ts,' 'not’s and 'no's'—the negative people, the negative thoughts," MS. "Get in the habit of appreciating things."

#3)  I have learned that it is truly in giving that we receive, and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing. It is, indeed a part of ourselves that we choose to share, with people whom we care about and want to keep in our life. We long for the affection of others. One of the measures of how we are managing from day to day is the way others feel about us. We care when our friends are fine and we worry when they are not. In order to communicate that we care, we often have to actually do something, to take action. There are so many wonderful ways to express our warm feelings and show appreciation toward others. By giving and sharing and serving, we can create and maintain those meaningful personal relationships we have with our family & friends.

#4) Psychological tests prove that when you are smiling you feel better. You are giving happiness to others when they see you happy. Smiles are infectious. So, smile!

Have A Wonderful Thanksgiving!!!!!